Open Sourced Commemoration: Remembering Lincoln and Ford's Theater

My apologies for the formatting--I am getting close to scrapping Blogger. I can't insert photo, videos and what I see in the template is not what ends up showing on the screen. Grrrr. Sorry.

Towel Fragment with Lincoln's Blood
(Source: MA Historical Society through Remembering Lincoln Project)



Say what you will about 'death by committee', one of the exciting parts of working on a team is when the project or idea is presented, adopted, and then rolled out to be used. I have had the opportunity to work on the Remembering Lincoln project with about ten other teachers from across the county and Ford's Theater.

The process has been impressive to watch. The goal of Remembering Lincoln is to connect as many documents and artifacts tied to the Lincoln Assassination as possible. Rather than collecting them all at Ford's for their patrons to see, they've made patrons of everyone on the World Wide Web. By making it as open sourced as possible, we are able to see into museum and private collections from across the country and the world.



General Orders No. 27-banning the public celebration of Lincoln's murder (Source: Private collection through Remembering Lincoln Project) 

My experience of the last decade has been that museums and historical societies and research universities don't always play nice in each other's sandbox. There are just so many dollars, resources and media to go around. What has impressed me is how they've managed to accomplish Remembering Lincoln while at the same time keeping their own institutional identities. As a small cog in the process, I've gotten to see some of what went on behind the curtain to achieve this. As a result, you will find Remembering Lincoln impressively sourced. The research teacher in me says, YES! Wherever they can, Ford's had credited the sponsoring organization. That means students don't have to waste time clicking on hyperlink after hyperlink to find who actually owns each artifact, photograph,  and document.



Lithograph-"Death of President Lincoln" (Source: Lincoln Memorial University though Remembering Lincoln Project)

As an educator, they asked me to provide a lesson plan or two for the site. The site was designed for the casual and the curious all the way to the historian or history teacher. I have two lessons I've contributed. One is a close read of the book Chasing Lincoln's Killer by James Swanson. I wanted my kids to research the event but needed something to give them a baseline on the assassination. The book does that. We are in the middle of this lesson in my class and so I am tweeking the lesson as I go. The other lesson is a little more ambitious. Once they have this baseline, I am going to deputize them a Crime Scene Investigators. Each will be assigned a person, a place or object to research. They will prepare a White Paper on their findings and present to the class. On one of my walls will be a map and place to place documents and artifacts they've found as well as a place for questions and theories on who the assassin(s) is (are). At the same time, we will follow Booth's 12 day escape route and its manhunt as well as the Abraham Lincoln's funeral train in real-time (150 years later). One moves the assassin closer to his death at Garret's Farm and the other to the president's resting place in Springfield. One will get a tomb and a nightly commemoration of his place in history. The other a site on federal land prohibiting commemoration of any kind.

 

BTW-Yes, I am aware that Booth is buried in a family plot in Maryland.

Open Source...the sequel!

Bloggers note: Okay, I just posted this and then read a friend's post from last month. He is a brilliant educator and I aspire to be as passionate, skilled and caring as Chad. READ his post...we have some similar ideas; I took mine inward-he took his outward to talk about a broken system. Brilliant work, Chad.



This picture has no real purpose other than to show I have two books on Lincoln. That makes me an expert, right?

In my last post, I talked about making my teaching more open sourced. two thoughts--one something which surprised me and one another example.

 

Point one:

It's funny, several people emailed or messaged me on social media that they thought I was being too hard on myself. They were very encouraging; saying that the way I taught was a nice blend of sage on the stage and guide on the side. A couple are people whose opinion I really, really value. I think I didn't do a good job explaining my pondering. I wasn't bashing myself; I was just wonder if I could do better and making the classroom more of a student-directed laboratory. The answer is yes. I am proud of my work as an educator, but I am always looking for ways to be better for my young charges.

Not only have I read two books on Lincoln, I have shopped at places which sell books on Lincoln. This is The Strand in NYC..

Point two:

For Lincoln's Birthday, Ford's Theater has been live tweeting a Q and A session between anyone on social media and themselves. Different staff members take the mic (so to speak) and spend an hour or two answering the questions that come in. As my students were researching their Civil War topics, several had questions they wanted to ask. It was completely organic and completely optional and completely awesome. Some of the questions, you ask?

1. Who would be better at basketball--President Lincoln or President Obama? (Ford's said Lincoln but several of my students respectfully disagreed.)


2. Was the stovepipe hat to cover a bump or scar on his head? (Ford's talked about the hat being one of his signature items--maybe a political gimmick. They even shared an article on the hat and its significance.)


3. What was Lincoln's favorite color? (The staff person suggested blue but admitted it was their favorite color so maybe that 'colored' their evidence.) BTW-this kinda silly question led to an informal discussion of how a researcher's bias might affect the outcome.


4. What was Lincoln's biggest fear? (Historians suggest that AL had a life-long battle with depression so fear and anxiety were no stranger to Mr. Lincoln.) It sets us up for a future discussion about the teeming masses expectations of a Kevlar President and the reality that they are all too flawed.


5. What was L's take on God? This came from an 8th grader! (The response that followed was nuansed--Lincoln seems to evolve from New Salem and his debating society to the White House. Another article was suggested.) 

My favorite question of the day was one I poo poo-ed when it was suggested:

1. Did AL have a pet turkey named Tom? (The answer is that it wasn't a pet but a gift for Thanksgiving Dinner and that his son's pled for its life--creating the annual turkey pardoning at which Sasha and Malia Obama were unfairly spanked by some Republican's this year. BTW-There is a great article about the incident from the Washington Post here. Enjoy.)
   

So, while researching something else...we covered turkeys, adolescence, basketball, fashion and mental illness. Not bad for a morning and social media.

This is Flat Stanley at the Smithsonian American Art Museum. The painting is Thomas Hart Benton's Aeschylus and Hercules. We were talking about wrestling with the Civil War and Lincoln and I thought of this painting. After the first two, you gotta be excited that this one has even a scintilla of a reason to be on the page, right?

An open sourced education

Source: The White House

Happy Lincoln's Birthday ya'll. That's not the topic of the post, but part of my thoughts have come from events surrounding Honest Abe.


I have been thinking about this idea for some time. What if we ignored all the edumacational stuff and just told kids they were in charge of their education? What if we got out of the way? What if we asked them where they wanted to go and then helped them chart a path to get there.


As people who are further on the journey, teachers have some insights they need to hear, and we can and should offer them. However, when did education become about the adults? We're done with our formal education-and the system did right by most of us. I don't think the system has done right by its most recent acolytes. We carry some of that blame.


I keep coming back to the idea of open sourcing...
Let them search for themselves, ask each other, use the tools of today to answer the questions left by the past.

I've restructured my Civil War unit as a little thought experiment. Its not a new idea so I won't even begin to take credit for it. Instead of me as the sage from the stage, I guide from the side and let them assume the mantle of the expert. (Extra credit should be given for using three hackneyed educational clichés-don't you think?)

 

• Step one--read the chapter--don't take notes, just read and try to understand.
• Step two--read and annotate a section of the chapter--try to become really familiar with that portion of the Civil War.
• Step three-research one topic (Battle of Antietam, Freedman's Bureau, Stonewall Jackson...) for three days and then report your findings to the whole class.
• Step four--take notes during your classmates presentations (in our case--using a study guide)
• Step five--the teacher ties any loose ends that may occur. The reality is I need to assess how well they understand the Civil War and the study guide helps put it all together.

What has been encouraging has been my student's willingness to roll up their sleeves and become an expert. I'm there giving them suggestions, but they are doing the work. Their questions of clarification are solid and even when stuck they haven't given up--they've just asked for help to rock the tires out of the rut.


There has been a sense of partnership that is missing on lecture days. I am hoping that it gives them confidence to look for their own answer to those things that matter most to them. I am not a fool, not everyone is a history nerd. and that is okay.

In looking at what has helped me with open sourcing, one thing that's been central has been the acceptance that, while I am a smart guy, I am not the Lone Ranger on that account, even (or especially, for that matter) in my classroom. I shouldn't be the only 'expert of things historical' in the room. That is just silly. I have the privilege of teaching curious young women and men and they blow me away with their insights and questions. A valuable tool in the open sourcing of my classroom has been technology and social media--information and experts are at your fingertips.

 

A case in point:

The bed in question

One of my kids asked this morning at about 9:30 am CST about Lincoln being shot in a theater but dying in a boarding house. That got us on a rabbit trail about what happened to the room where Lincoln died. I started to tell them a story about the boarder in that room, but couldn't remember his name. One Facebook post and three minutes later and we had it--the bed on which Lincoln died was in the room rented by William T. Clark. I told them that Clark would end up sleeping in that bed and they asked if he changed the linens. One more Facebook post and about ten minutes later and we had our answer--yes, he did. The teacher-scholar with this information also shared information about Lincoln's boots and their connection to Mr. Clark. By 11:20 a.m. CST, we had the full story of Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Clark, Lincoln's boots and the Peterson House. Kids came by during passing periods to ask if I had more information. When was the last time a kid wanted more information after leaving class?


Its the part of teaching that makes it all worthwhile. Messy and loud and with bursts and starts...but worthwhile.

Podium Point Six--Fake it till ya make it!

Last year, or the year before, I posted on this blog five essays on five of the podiums points suggested by Ford's Theater. If you want to review, here they are:

Podium Point One: Whoa, not so fast...
Podium Point Two: "Stay offa First will ya"
Podium Point Three: "Twy vewy vewy hahd not to destwoy uth."
Podium Point Four: "...and I believed him because he was a basketball fan..."
Podium Point Five: "What happened last year?"

These podium points are for the vocal end of public speaking. There are four for the physical end of public speaking. I thought I would chat about those this year.

I'm tackling the one I have the most problems teaching first. Not for any other reason than I found the video above and Dr. Cuddy does my job for me. This will totally change how I prep kids for their speeches. Fake it until you make it sound trite and ineffective. However, her research says differently.

Presence--"The speaker's energy and connection with the audience. Does his or her presence reflect confidence? Is the speaker welcoming the audience with what he or she has to say?" I took that direct from the Ford's handout. How do you teach confidence. Practice helps with confidence but, how many of my students have practiced twice as much as their counterparts only to struggle on the day of the speech. Its heart-breaking to watch. Now I have a tool.

 

Will let you know how it works.

There is no real reason for this particular image. While it does relate to the TEDtalk, I just like it.

1 to 50: Embracing, yard work, cooking and other chaos-related activities

In my quest to 50, we have hit T-minus and one day. Maggie is putting together a party for me and I am looking forward to celebrating with family and friends. On Saturday I'm getting together with my twin brother for dinner in KC.

In the preparations for the weekend, I have had one mantra, which, conveniently, is today's thought:

Embrace the chaos.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am a contradiction in so many ways. One of those ways in in regards to my flexibility. I have the reputation to the cursory observer of being pretty laid back. And in many situations, I am. However, there is a streak of control freak and perfectionaist lurking behind that laid back façade.

Two stories:

In college, a professor cornered me in the hallway and told me to hand over the paper I had written, but not turned in for a class. I stammered that I knew it was due today, but I wasn't completely happy with it blah blah blah. She snatched it out of my hand, gave it to the professor it was actually for, smiled and walked away. The grade for that paper was an A. Dr. Spangler pointed out that I was willing to take a B for an A paper in order to make it 'better'. That's nutty.

Last year I tried to decline a chance to speak at Ford's Theater stage. I talked about it in Oratory and the Old Man. I rationalized that this opportunity was for the students and that I blah blah blah. The reality was that I was terrified that I couldn't get the speech perfect and so was willing to turn down what might be a once in a life time opportunity. Luckily, I was told to put my big boy pants on and do it. I am so glad I did.

That experience got me to thinking through the course of the last year. There are some things which I control which serve me well. I like an orderly classroom so that I can focus on students. It allows me to keep track of four classes and dozens of projects.

Perfectionism and control are a problem when they stop you from doing something you want to do, should do, need to do... It is also a problem when it makes you a jackass to those around you.



What I think the backyard should look like--nevermind that we don't have that skyline, those chairs or a firepit which looks like a volcano erupting.




What I think the backyard looks like. Apparently, in my brain, we are the Bumpas Family from A Christmas Story.



This is the firepit three of my kids created for me. It may not have the skyline but it ain't Bumpas either. Yes, David Shaw, those are my Hobbit feet.

Getting things ready for the party has been an exercise in chaos. There is no way we can get all of the projects done we want to get done before people start arriving tomorrow. Time. Manpower. Money. All sorts of reasons. In the middle of all of it, the boys and I committed to helping a church member who desperately needs help to move. What was going to be a couple hours will span about eight hours over a couple days. Hopefully my sons see me caring for people who need caring for more than my going all Martha Stewart over a backyard. Some days I get it right. Sometimes I muck it up. I suppose that is the chaos I make those around me live in.

So I work in baby steps...those steps have been in the back yard and the kitchen.

I hate to cook. It might be the thing I like the least. Clearly I have no problem shoving food in my pie hole. Its the chaos of cooking with someone else. Maggie is an excellent, albeit messy, cook. Her mantra of 'everything will get cleaned in the end' versus my 'clean as a you go'. She loves to cook, is better at it than me and would like for me to be there with her. A few years ago I finally told her that I hated to cook and she has given me a free pass since. Over the past few months I have forced myself in the kitchen more. Maggie enjoys cooking and likes me in there so I need to put my big boy pants on and get in there.

My first recipe we made together this year is here and in the hyperlink below. Not a hugely fancy dish, but remember... baby steps. One of my goals this summer is to make my own pasta for this dish. In my brain, flour, dough rising and a pasta machine won't be messy...we'll see...



Tortellini with garlic sage butter sauce (from Food and Wine Magazine)

 

"Don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no orators"

declaration address and dream note--Ford's Theater asked me to write a post for their blog on my experience as a National Oratory Fellow. I asked if their post could be a post on my blog and they said yes... The images and some of the hyperlinks are mine, not theirs.

Charlie Marie McIntire

Editor’s note: Dave McIntire, a middle school teacher at The Independent School in Wichita, Kansas, is a 2013-2014 Ford’s Theatre National Oratory Fellow. Here, he reflects on his experience with the program and the May 2014 National Oratory Retreat and Performance.

I became a grandfather about the same time my students performed on the Ford’s Theatre stage on May 5, 2014. This isn’t my first grandchild, so no Father’s Little Dividend moments happened at the retreat. However, the convergence of these two events has me thinking about how planning for a baby’s arrival and preparing my students for a weekend in Washington, have surprising similarities.

Both events are a long time in coming. It hasn’t escaped my attention that both processes take about nine months. My class started focusing on oratory in September. We played with Podium Points, wrestled with sonnets, explored historic speeches, closely read speeches by Jefferson, Lincoln, King and Roosevelt, and then put pen to paper to express our own thoughts.

For me, the National Oratory Fellows Retreat is a wonderful time, but the process of teaching oratory all year long is the true payoff. Now back from the Retreat, I have been working with my students on their original speeches. This is as rewarding as watching my two young charges, selected from the full class to attend the Retreat, on the stage at Ford’s. That isn’t to take away from the Retreat; it’s just that my students’ insights and courage awe me. What we ask of students as teachers challenges them, and when students meet and exceed these challenges, they inspire.

It’s difficult, even at its best. Learning (and teaching) oratory is hard work. You are asking young women and men, in some of their most awkward moments, to stand in front their peers and open themselves up in a manner even most adults avoid. It requires courage on the part of the student and tenacity on the part of the teacher. And this is when things go well.

Success looks different for each student, and me. Teaching oratory to students in different places as readers or writers means creating various roadmaps, and the act of public speaking itself can make teaching oratory difficult. In some cases, teachers have to encourage students with little confidence to use what they’ve learned to “fake it until they make it.” In other situations, you’re encouraging students who mistake confidence for preparation. You’re telling them that “faking it” isn’t a substitute for hard work. Even the process of selecting two students to represent their class in Washington, D.C., for the retreat made for awkward moments, leaving some kids disappointed. As part of his Ford’s performance, one of my selected kids wisely spoke about how losing hones you for later success; but that knowledge may be little consolation in the moment when you learn your best just missed the mark.

Good teaching transforms those difficult moments into teachable ones. That occurred under the watchful eye of a talented team at Ford’s and the other National Oratory Fellows, who encouraged and cajoled the best out of each other and their students.

 

The people surrounding you are essential to your success. One of my most profound moments  at the retreat was watching the dress rehearsal. As they stood on the Ford’s stage, energy and nerves got the best of some of the kids and they struggled with memory or delivery. You could tell some wanted to step away from the podium, but Lead Teaching Artist Thembi Duncan proved a kind but implacable director. She imbued those kids with a will to adapt and move on. Not one student walked away!

Throughout the year I watched our teaching artist, Victoria Reinsel, work tirelessly with my students and then, as part of the cadre of teaching artists, with (selected students) Reid and Will during the retreat. Victoria is a talented woman who is investing in these students in ways many of them won’t fully comprehend until they’re older.

In addition, most of my students will never comprehend how Associate Director for Arts Education Cynthia Gertsen, the rest of the Ford’s staff and my fellow Oratory Fellows invested in me with their time, resources and camaraderie. Teaching can be a lonely profession and these educators and staff members partnered with me in ways that made me better as a teacher.

It’s a milestone, but it is far from over. Two days after the retreat, I held my grandchild, Charlie Marie, for the first time and I thought, “This is just the start of the adventure.” As my charges move from the middle to the upper school this coming September, this is just the start for them as well. Thanks to Ford’s, my two student delegates as well as their classmates move to their new adventure with skills and insights to build upon.

That’s all a teacher (and grandfather) can ask for.

Dave McIntire is a social studies teacher at The Independent School in Wichita, Kansas, teaching American, Kansas and European History, as well as Civics, Oratory and Research. Before he became an educator nine years ago, he worked as a reporter, youth pastor and professional trainer. He is a 2013-2014 Ford’s Theatre National Oratory Fellow and Remembering Lincoln Teacher Representative, and also has been a Catherine B. Reynolds Civil War Washington Teacher Fellow.

Winning and losing a bet... (the day before the Ford's retreat)

 

After a week of ERB testing (don't ask me what the name stands for because I don't know) and working on This I Believe speeches, we needed to blow off some steam. During a break all three of us delivered our speeches for their peers. I had been bet that I wouldn't get my speech done. Two pies to the face. Its been pretty close to done since the weekend, but I didn't tell them that. Since I had the stuff for the pies...why not.

 

BTW-Both of the delegates did a nice job presenting. One is doing an excerpt from King's I Have a Dream speech and one is doing an original oration on how losing teaches you perseverance and problem solving skills. We haven't really played with speechifying for a month or so and they were rusty. that is to be expected. And their audience is trained to call them on it. That being said, they are ready for the Ford's retreat. I am excited to see where the teaching artists take them as speakers over the next few days. But for now, they are ready.

 

I will be too if I can find a sub...my Friday sub just called in sick. Will post more as I go along.

What will be this generation's Lincoln assassination?

(source: James LeGrand)

 

I just hung up from a videoconference with teachers and Ford's Theater. The group is imagining what a website for the 150th anniversary of the Lincoln assassination would look like. A great conversation.

But something was said that has me thinking.

Lincoln's assassination was a defining moment in a decade of them. One of the things about a defining moment is that it gives that generation a common denominator. A point on a clock or calendar that becomes shorthand for their future.

Pearl Harbor (source: Library of Congress)

Kennedy's assassination (source: National Archives)

Man landing on the moon (source: National Archives)

9/11 (source: USA Today/Chris McGrath-Getty Images)

BTW-this is the list of defining moments by the San Jose Mercury. We can argue about what is or isn't a defining moment ...but that isn't the point of this post.

What I am thinking about what my responsibility is as an educator during a defining moment. With only nine years in the classroom, I haven't had one yet. I am pondering how to use other defining moments to prepare my charges for the one on their horizon--we might not be able to see it yet, but we know its inevitable. If they can see that irretrievable sadness can be used for good. If they can see that that sadness can be survived by surviving it as a community. I firmly believe part of my job as an educator moves beyond books and data into how best to grow into young women and men this world needs (notice that I said world and not country...that is a whole other blog).  History isn't just learned; its made. How well am I preparing my students for that?

Still wondering on this. Still pondering ...

Podium Points and Kansas History

One goal I have as a Ford's Theater National Oratory Fellow is to extend oratory into other parts of The Independent School and Wichita. In a few weeks, the kids who competed for spots as delegates will take a couple class periods and teach lower school kids podium points. They are also going to begin a video project using the city as a backdrop. I also started teaching podium points to my seventh grade history class. They are presenting Kansas History posters tomorrow and so I showed them the videos below. Of course, they were put together by Ford's Theater and, yes they are excellent. 

 

Podium Points--Verbal (PEDTV)

Podium Points-Physical (PPEG)

Podium Points-Warm and Cool Feedback

Civil War Washington Teaching Fellowship--Reboot

In the last post, I talked about the Civil War Washington Teaching Fellowship. This mini-post is a set of links to previous posts about my week with them last summer. There are easily the same number of posts I don't offer links to so, if you are up for some exploring....

Walking in the steps of grieving father at Oak Hill Cemetery

When memories aren't allowed, let the house speak for you

Prepare. Experience. Reflect.

How long do you let kids marinate in an uncomfortable discussion?

Furnished with ideas, not objects

Sleeping in the president's deathbed

Wichita Connection #2

At Ford's Theater

I was asked by the kids which spot had the most meaning and I'll close with a link to that post. My attraction to these types of  location are all over this blog, like here, here and here. I don't think of them the way otehrs do, I see them as flashpoints for rememberance, reflection and vision for the future. History is a way of looking at the past in order to chart a course toward the future--these places encapsulate that idea.

How Sleep the Brave

"On this site in 1897 nothing happened." and other CCWTF thoughts.

I'm am preparing for a webinar with the new Civil War Washington Teaching Fellows today and it has me waxing nostalgic. I thought I would offer a top ten five six list to them for their edification.

5. Wear comfortable shoes...

All the coordinators from the different sites are all apparently seasoned Olympic calibre marathon runners and are unaware that some of us are less agile. ;)Walking tours and house tours and the Bataan march that is the steps up to Douglass' house. These tour are going to  give you boat loads of pictures and notes and you will use so much of it in your classrooms, but really...where is the Segway flatland tour/pubcrawl?

 

 

 

 

 

4. Take notes...

 

I know, you are officially on summer vacation ... but as you walk the city of Georgetown or listen to the tour guide at the US Capitol (the best tour I've ever had of the site, BTW), or listen to a speech at the Douglass house, or are in a class session...something is going to be said that you'll want to remember back home. I use my notes from CWWTF quite a bit this year. The depth and insights you're going to walk away are invaluable. Make sure you have a place to capture them.

 



 

3. Give yourself time to process...

I referred to my time in DC as the equivalent of drinking from a fire hose. I'm blessed that I can say that of a number of the seminars, classes, fellowships I've attended. The CWWTF fire truck was on full blast all week and I needed time to process. I have found keeping a blog is a great way for me to process and often find myself going back to old posts and finding new ideas that just needed fleshing out. If not a blog, get a journal or something that you can use.

 

 

2. Pray to the roommate gods....

 

You are going to meet some of the coolest teachers and you'll become fast friends. CWWTF is in some ways a master class. Listen to them and learn from them. Perhaps the most important person is going to be your room mate. Now Jake at Ford's is a nice guy but, from my experience, is terrible at matching roommates. Depending on your faith tradition, light candles, fire up a smudgepot, paint a red circle in the middle of the room, whatever you need to do. The only negative part of my experience was my room mate--how did that guys even get selected! He came to classes unprepared, never once asked a question or offered an insight and I would talk about his hygiene but he was from Oklahoma so I really didn't have high hopes for that anyway. (After all this, James, I suppose that when we meet up this summer I'm buying lunch?!)

 



 

1. Think about how you take the experience back to your kids...

 

If you are like me, you spend a lot of your summer reworking your curriculum for the next school year. I wish I could explain to non-teachers how much prep really goes into good teaching. As you are processing and collaborating with the other fellows, keep a running list of things you want to bring back. I found that, a week or two after I'm back, when the 'tyranny of the urgent' returns, I forget. That may be just me. A great trick suggested a few years ago was to create a running list while you're there of ideas to play with or content to add. If I'm not intentional, then I remember it a day before I need it and, well, that means it ain't gonna happen.

 

And finally... Bring a friend...

 

There is absolutely no reason for this thought other than these Flat Stanley pictures were burning a hole in my pocket. (shhh, some of them aren't even from CWWTF)

 

 

 

 

 



Oratory and the Old Guy

I won't lie, I was nervous. I speak for a living and am passionate about oratory but ...

At the last video conference before leaving for the DC retreat the Ford’s staff dropped the bomb that each of us was expected to write a speech and be prepared to present it at the retreat. They went on to say that one of the teachers would be selected to deliver their speech with the students.

That gave us about two weeks to come up with a speech. Part of my panic was time. This is the busiest time of the year for me and this year I had the prep for the retreat itself. Student Council pancake feed and end of school dances were days away and on the homefront, there were calendar issues as well.

Part of my panic was concern. I have been billing this as a chance for students and now it felt awkward to say I would be performing alongside of them. This was their moment. I watched a college choir director who picks solos for himself every concert because the choir ‘deserved ‘ a  great voice to play off of.  He always contended the students loved it but they didn’t.  It don’t want to be that guy.

But there was another reason. As I have gotten older, I am scared to perform outside of the two or three ‘safe’ places I frequent (classrooms…okay, I guess just one safe place) I still perform occasionally but I haven’t been at peace with a performance for about a decade. The nervousness is consuming and so the work done suffers. I can get it to one level but never to the higher level I know I can.  I am going to be honest, sometimes I decide to not audition or perform-- focusing on how it could go wrong--not how it could go well.

This wasn’t always the case.

I love performing and I love the process of ‘figuring it out’. What’s the essence of the song or character and how do I get that across. I’ve gotten to sing and perform in some really amazing places and with some amazingly talented people. For years, it didn’t occur to me to be afraid on stage. Somewhere down the line that changed.

To be selected meant I had to confront that. I think the coordinator at Ford’s had me figured out, because, when she announced my selection, she said that I needed to “put on my big boy pants.” What she doesn’t know is that that statement was a gift. As I worked on the speech in the early morning of the performance day, it was her voice I heard when I would start to spiral into doubt and anxiety. Between that voice and the impromptu audience in the Metro-I was ready.

At the theater, I kept thinking the following things:

·         •Be in the moment

·         •Put your big boy pants on

·         •Quit sweating

·         •Savor the moment-this is a big deal

·         •Be fearless...you have something to say that deserves to be heard (the text of the speech is here)

·         •did I mention ..."Put your big boy pants on"

 I am a terrible critic of my work--I can tell you how I would do it differently, but I can also tell you I savored the moment. I built moments into the speech to take in the stage and the people. I wish I could put into words the rush I had during those two minutes. It went fast, to be sure. But it was a good sort of fast… There was enough time to enjoy the moment itself, not just survive it. I was standing centerstage beneath Lincoln’s box at Ford’s Theater. I was saying something I believe people need to hear and grapple with. I was still nervous and there was the sweat rolling down my brow, but, for the first time in a long, long time, I allowed myself to enjoy myself as a performer. As I introduced the next speaker I had a little moment of déjà vu. I had a memory of getting off of a rollercoaster as a kid wanting to get back in line and do it again.

On that stage at Ford’s Theater, it was as fun and felt as natural as it used to feel. Was it perfect? No it was not? Will I spend the next few days replaying how I could fix it? Yes I will. But the words I keep coming back to are ‘personal best’ and ‘honorable attempt.” I was honored to get the chance, I worked hard in the time I had and I walked away feeling content with what it was. Again, if I were honest, I haven't felt that way about a performance in a long while. It felt good. This is a feeling I had wished for my students. I didn’t expect to have it as well.